Neglected

This poor blog has been so neglected. My kids are now 5 and 7. They can do a lot of things for themselves now. Which means I might have enough energy to try this again. My youngest started school full time last fall. Which was something I sometimes doubted if we would survive to see. On my son's first day of school- my husband and I high fived each other in the school parking lot, and then went home and had a nap. ( Husband works shift work) I was just tired.

I had all these BIG plans with the kids being in school. But the summer before school- my mum's cancer came back. Life went on hold and revolved around her needs. We had 7 months together before she past away. 

I'm not sure if I have the words to describe all that that has been. If you've lost someone dear to you from cancer, been a confidante and companion in their slow decline and death. Then you know what it's like to have your heart ripped out repeatedly.

The overwhelming anticipation grief of losing them- then the shock of final good bye. Then the day to day grief of their absence. The missing them gnawing at you.

In the middle of all that my husband had a crisis. And was diagnosed with clinical depression.

Which was good. But he went a long time undiagnosed. Which had placed a great strain on our marriage. ( to say the least) There has been a lot of effort to rebuild between us. A lot of very honest 

converstions.

I've had fibromyalgia for 24 years now. I've been married for 13 years. And been a mother for 7 years. 

My life has been difficult. Everyone's life is difficult. Filled with challenges. Mine has had some whopper challenges. Which I hope has made me a better person. But sometimes I'm a mess. And sometimes I feel on top of the mountain. Some days are great. Some good. Some a disaster.

Today was a disaster. Lack of sleep, pain, dizziness, frustration, fatigue,headache- a big emotional blow up with my husband- who is also tired and fed up.

Last Monday on the other hand,  was a happy sunny adventure to a strawberry farm- loading up with farm fresh strawberries. Playing games in the car. Big fluffy clouds in the crystal blue sky over rolling farm fields.

That is the rollercoaster of life with fibro. 

To survive the rollercoaster takes a f'ing lot of grit and determination. Especially with kids. When you feel dizzy, but have to make dinner and somehow get to soccer, or gymnastics and you haven't had clean underwear in three days. ( I think I might now prefer to go without now) because you chose to have a playdate instead and now you're mentally/physically drained- but it was fun, and somehow you're not supposed to snap, " go away" to your 5 year old who keeps asking " watch this Mom! Watch this!" while your trying to create a healthy meal.

Sometimes I imagine I posess the  mental and emotional toughness of a navy seal. Or soldier. Or emergency room doctor. 

Sometimes it makes me impatient with people who complain over trivial stuff.  Or don't do things  because they " feel kinda tired."  My sympathy for that kinda thing is non existent. Instead I just don't say anything. 

Having fibro forces you to be a creative problem solver, to accept a certain " out of controlness", to be ok with whatever has to be, to be emotionally honest, to live outside the box.

It's not traditional parenting. It's a lot of improvising. It requires a high level of communication between you and your partner. It makes you vunerable. It makes you say thank you a lot.

It makes you have to listen. To have empathy. To remember to breathe. Finding humour where you can find it. It's lonely. It's demanding. It often feels beyond my ability to navigate.

Those are all really good tough things. They are real things. It is a real love.

There is no room or energy for the mainstream perfect plastic ideal in our home. This shit is real.

This is parenting with fibro.