Fibro math part 3

More about emotional deposits:

I really can't say enough about emotional deposits. For me, they are the biggest and best strategy I have. They are my life raft in a sea of dizzy spells, bowels problems, feeling headachy, achy, disappointments, grief, frustration, sadness- all the many negative aspects of this unrelenting illness.

It took me a long time to see that. It took me a long time to reach a place where I could use it as a tool.

The way I grew up, the culture I was surrounded by- wasn't so conducive to coping with a chronic never ending illness.  It couldn't understand any of it.  It couldn't accept it. Therefore i was unacceptable. So I beat myself up for years and years and years.  Killing myself to prove my value. I crashed and burned hard. I ended up in bed for three months. Unable to bath myself, feed myself, change my pjs myself.  It scared the shit out of me. It was terrifying.

I will never forget looking in the bathroom mirror. Seeing my ashen face- sunken eyes. I knew this couldn't go on. I decided to screw proving my worth and try to salvage my health.

I found a cranky 75 year old specialized with a heart of gold. He was very frank and kind. He told me I had to make some major lifestyle choices. That had to change my mindset if I was going to survive. He told me if I kept heading down the path I was on. There was a very high chance that my next big crash and burn would be permanent. That I would be in bed for years.

So that was the beginning of a path of learning, of searching. It's been a long one.

And one of the biggest lessons I've learned is ignoring your emotional health is unhelpful. Toxic. Emotional health needs to be taken care of- if you hope to live the best life you can live with fibromyalgia. I'm not talking about catering to your feelings. To me feelings are different than emotions. Feelings are those fleeting generally negative thoughts that are pesky. To me emotions are how you view your existence.  Your value. Your enjoyment. Your sense of accomplishment. It means nurturing your interests. Believing what you like/do/think/are good at/ is worthwhile. Worthwhile developing. It means being vunerable . Asking for help. Being realistic with your needs. Being able to be yourself. Letting go of unhealthy relationships. Be honest with yourself.

To survive fibromyalgia well, means creating the climate/culture of your life- that nurtures and accepts you- and your limitations. You don't need constant reminders of all the things you can't do. You can't constantly feel like your life sucks. Who can live that way?

 This requires carefully thought out choices:  about your expectations of yourself and others, your lifestyle, who you let in your life. And invest your precious life energy, instead of into deficits-into what really really matters to you. What really gets you excited. Deposits.

The more deposits you can find for yourself- the deficits of fibro- will seem less horrible.

After my mum died- living in her absence- the big hole of emotional pain she left in my life/heart/mind. I began to paint. I've always wanted to be an artist. So every Friday night- after my kids are in bed. I paint. I'm not that good at it. But I love it. It makes me feel good. It recharges my emotional bank. I would like to do it more and take classes. But right now all I can manage are Friday nights. It's worthwhile to me. So I'll keep doing it.

Let's say you love gardening but don't have enough energy for a big garden. Why not get a small garden box and do that? Sure. It's not the big beautiful garden you fantasize about. But it fits within your limits. Living within your limits doesn't mean not living. It means making more concise choices about what you need and want and enjoy. It means your emotional health is worth nurturing. You are still alive and able to enjoy what gives you pleasure. It means not giving up.