complicated

Fibromyalgia complicates everything. If you have found this blog and are reading it, then I'm sure you get what I mean.  The everyday becomes a kin to climbing a mountain.  Finding clean underwear,
getting dressed,  cooking,  somedays reading or remembering a phone number, or remembering how to get to the library.  Employment and relationships.  And if you have all the nice little side conditons that come with Fibromyalgia.  Like sleep issues, IBS, TMJ, that bladder condition only nurses and specialists can pronounce- cystis what?  Even the most basic body functions are complicated.

So just like everything else,  having babies is complicated. Lots of unknowns.  From how will it effect my body to will I have the energy to go through labour?  How will the recovery be?  Will the lack of sleep make my symptoms worse?  Should I get off my meds?

Issues perhaps healthy mothers don't have to think about.

I remember feeling very alone in my pregnancies.  Alone in my fear.  My doctors were really kind. But ultimately didn't have much experience with women with fibromyalgia.  My body was expected to react and heal like a normal woman's body would.  But my body doesn't behave normally.  Then when my body didn't act normally- there wasn't much leeway in giving me more time, or space, or understanding.  Or medication for pain.  Some nurses made it clear that they thought I was a bit of a baby. It made me feel very alone,  and couldn't wait to get home and in my own space.  It sucked having to endure the physically craziness of birth and people's bad attitudes.

I think women who have other disabilities may be more supported in pregnancy and birth. And have access to help.  Like women who are blind or in wheel chairs. Although I don't have experience with that- so I don't know.

I am blessed to have a very supportive husband.  He isn't afraid to dive into changing diapers, sacrificing sleep even though he works too, cooking meals, scrubbing the toilet and floors, feeding and scrubbing bottles.  He's a dream man.  And he has a really good sense of humour and he thinks of my comfort and needs.  Not sure how I landed him,  but he seems to want to be here with me despite the complications.

And my mother came over every morning for over a year to help.  Mornings are a disaster for me.  My ability to functon is really low.  My mum was a support in everyway.  Emotional and physical.

And my in laws really are amazing.  I don't think I could ever ever explain how amazing they have been to us.

To have babies with fibromyalgia-it really helps to have help.  The more help you can have the better I think. Even with all the help I had- it was tough.  Very tough.  Especially my second child.  I had some big complications. And it took me at least two years to feel somewhat normal again.

We really thought long and hard about starting a family.  At least three years. We had decided not to.
But neither of us were happy with that choice.  We really did want children.  So we were highly committed to come what may.  To making it work. No matter what.

And there have been many times when I have thought and felt like we were stupid and made really bad choices. Then many more times when I have thought- how wonderful it all is. How beautiful our children are. How I am glad that we have sacrificed for them. How much joy they bring.  And I am very glad and blessed to not have missed out on this experience.

So it's complicated. But not impossible.  It's a bit of a crap shoot.  You don't know how you'll feel. I felt amazing with my first and horrible with my second. Having babies isn't a fine science even for healthy moms.  You just don't know- until you do.